Yes, I went to visit him this weekend, and even though I never believed it could happen, I fell even more in love with him. He is still the most amazing person I have ever met.  All I can say is.....WOW.

Our time together was wonderful. It was utterly amazing.  The most amazing thing is that I don't feel that I have to pretend to be something that I am not.  I can be myself around him.

There was  BBQ at his friend's house, and I felt like I belonged.  His friends all made me feel welcome and as if I had always been a part of his life.  I really enjoyed myself.  Everytime we are together, I feel more a part of his life.

I really didn't want to leave him and come back.  The farther I got from him, the more I wanted to turn around and go back to him.  Yes, he still has my heart, I left it with him the very first time I met him, and I don't want it back.  I want him to keep it.  If it is with him, I know it is safe.

We hung up the phone just before I started this post.  His voice still gets me excited.  Remember, it was his voice that I fell in love with first.  That sexy voice.  The one that has a different tone for whatever mood he is in.  And I love every different one. 

I can't believe what I have missed all these years of not knowing him.  I guess it just wasn't meant to be until now.  But now our paths have crossed and we have found each other.  I know that I have known him in another life.  There is no doubt. There is no way that two people can be so much alike and know so much about one another and not have known each other before.  This is Karma at work.  Destiny has prevailed.  We were meant to be together and we are.  What we have learned in past experiences we will use to enrich our present lives.  We will still learn, but we also can use what we have learned to make one another happy.  And I know that he makes me happy.

I can't wait until our vacation.  Those days together are going to be heavenly.  I know we will discover a lot about one another.  I can't wait to be with him, really be with him.  Have the time to get to know him like I really want to know him.  I have said it before, and I still say that this time together is going to be what makes us decide what we really want.

I love him even more that I did before, if that is possible.  And just maybe, when we are together next weekend, it will be the time to say it.

He is special  It's that simple. 

There are things that he does or says that will bring a smile to my face everytime.

Like the way he will say "alright then" when he is agreeing to do something.

The way he answers the phone when I call with a good morning or how was your day?, or some little greeting, never just a "hello".

When he calls me by name, I get a tingly feeling all over.

He gets excited when we discover another thing we have in common.

He actually CARES about my feelings.

When he worries that I will be upset that he didn't call me back when he said he would. 

How he always knows what to say to make me feel better.

He is the most compassionate person I have ever met.

He makes me feel as if I can tell him anything and it won't change how he feels about me.

The soft low sexy way he says "good morning", or "good evening".  

The feeling I get that he wants to say more, but is not quite sure what to say or how to say it. 

When I think about him, the passion inside me wells up to overflowing. Seventeen more days until we are together for a few days.  I can't believe that this is actually happening.  It is so hard to believe that we have come this far in such a short time.  I can't wait to have him completely to myself for a few days.  I have so much I want to say to him, but I will probably be lost for words again.  Oh we will talk about everything, but I will probably shy away once again from telling him how special he is to me. Of course he already knows that, but I want to be able to tell him anything that is on my mind without seeming clingy and needy.  I want him to know that I am ready for anything that might happen.  I love him so much that I am afraid of losing him. Does that make sense?  I keep thinking back to when the phone calls first began, or when they became more that business calls.  I remember hearing something in his voice that made me want to hear more.  I would notice how his voice would change depending on his mood or what he wanted to talk about.  I became his "unknown caller" because my work number never showed up on his cell phone.  He knew it was me.  I remember the first time we ever talked about meeting.  It was as if we both knew it was what we wanted.  I invented a reason that we had to meet. It all worked out, and here we are about to spend 4 glorious nights together.  I fantasize about what is going to happen and none of it will probably happen the way I imagine, but at least I know that soon we will be together.  I want to finally know him completely.  I want to make love to him for hours on end.  Maybe this is when it will finally happen.  I keep imagining that it will, but we have never discussed that.  Obviously, we are going to be together for 4 nights, so I am sure that we will. How wonderful it will be to make love to him.  To know him completley and we can be as one.  He has the most amazing smile, and his eyes are the most gorgeous I have ever seen. He has a way of making me feel as if I belong with him, yet he seems the type to never put demands on anyone. He is so gentle to talk to and the way he cares about my feelings I can only imagine what kind of lover he must be   I imagine him being forceful but gentle. We can already anticipate what the other is thinking, I can only imagine how the same thing is going to happen when we make love. I have ached for his touch for so long now, and in 17 days will I finally know the feel of him beside me?  Will I feel his caresses?  I am consumed with the passion of wanting him, but yet I don't want to do anything that is going to ruin what we have now.  I want to make love to him in the most unyeilding way possible.  When I think about what it is going to be like, I can't stand it.  I have so much need for him bottled up inside me that once it is released I don't know what will happen.  I never knew what wanting someone so much could do.  I will hear his voice and I am lost in a world of need for him.  I love him so much.  I know I say it too much, but it is the truth.  This is not an infatuation.  It is true love.  They say when you truly are in love you will know.  Well, I know.  I know that what I feel for him, I have never known before. 

I make love to him everynight in my dreams. Lately I have dreamt of loving him nearly every night. 

 I know that when we part, I will be wanting more. I know that these four days are just going to be the beginning of something wonderful. 

In three days it wil be his birthday. I searched and searched to find the right birthday card for him.  I wanted that special card.  One that let him know how I felt but wasn't mushy, or corny.  I finally found one that said how special he was and of course, I added a little note just to let him know just how much he really means to me.  I want to be with him this weekend to celebrate his birthday.  I don't know whether to surprise him, or to mention to him first that I want to be there.  I don't know what I will do yet, but hopefully, I will be there this weekend.

Hopefully soon, we will take care of some "unfnished business". 

I love him with all my heart...

Those feelings I had before I met him for the first time are back.  The giddy I can't wait-what are we going to do first-got to be with him but I am nervous feelings that I experienced before our first meeting.  And he seems as excited as I am.  We will be together for 4 whole days and nights!!  Wow!  This will be our test for sure. 

Things have been wonderful lately.  He seems more relaxed.  I have started to wait on him to make the phone calls now and he will call every evening, sometimes 2 or three times and we will talk for hours.  I usually will call him in the morning, but the evening is up to him.  And he does call.  

I have a scenario in my mind of what is going to happen when we are together, and hopefully that is what will happen.  I am not going to mention any of it here, as I don't want to jinx anything.  I am ready for anything, but I also have to be ready to accept anything... good or bad.  I keep telling myself that if he had not wanted me with him, he would not have asked me.  I want us to enjoy each other so much that we can't stand to be away from the other one.  I am going to do all I can to make this the most wonderful 4 days possible. The hard part for me is going be having to drive back here and leave him behind.  I am glad I took and extra day off work.  At least I will have PART of the 5th day with him before I have to leave him behind just one more time.

Looking back over the past few months, I realize that this was no chance meeting.  Something pushed us together.  For what reason is yet to be determined, but as I have said numerous times before, what is meant to be will be.  Our paths have crossed for a reason.  If that reason is that we are to be toghether, then wonderful.  I am ready, and I will wait until he is ready.  But it is possible that we were meant find each other just to get us to the next phase in our lives apart.  I hope that is not the case, but if it is then that is what will happen. However, I cannot belive that two people who share so many common bonds and who can talk to each other several times a day and never run out of anything to say, is just a chance meeting or a bridge to something else.  I can only believe that we are meant to spend our lives together in some way.

What I have learned by my past relationships is this: We must communicate.  We must always tell the other one what is bothering us and be willing to listen to the other one. We must let each other be our own person, but still be a couple.  We must always be honest and open. I have to learn to control this little jealous streak that I have.  I know that if we do decide to make a commitment that he is with me because he WANTS to be and if he decides otherwise, there is nothing I can do about it.  We have to trust each other and for some reason, I trust him completely.  I trust him in every way. 

We may not even decide whether or to make a commitment. Who knows.  After all, this is really only our third "date".  Sure, we are going to be together for 4 days and nights, but we still may not make any relationship decisions.  We will not go there with any kind of "deadline" on us.  We will take it slow and let things progress naturally.  We will have fun and enjoy the company.  Hopefully this will be the first of many days that we spend together.

And I will end post this with exactly how I feel. 

Steve.... I love you.

I must be getting paranoid.  Today after talking to him all is great.  He is still as excited about our trip as I am.  Neither of us can wait.

I feel more at ease now and I think all will be fine. Yes, I am nervous.  I don't want to do anything to make him think that I am one of those clingy women that needs a man to complete her, but the truth is that I do need him.  I just have to show him my best side when we are together.  I have to make him realize that he wants ME.  I will not do anything to scare him away.  Whatever happens, happens.  I will let him know what my intentions are or what I am looking for, but I am not going to let him think that my happiness depends on him only.  I will be the most confident person there is and show him that I can be happy with or without him.  He has to know that I am there for him when he is ready, but he also has to know that I am not dependent on him.  Yes, I love him, but I want him to love me the same. I don't want him to possess me or feel that he has to always try to make me happy.  I want to be able to be happy just being together no matter what happens in the end. If we are meant to be, then we will be.  We will be happy toghether no matter what. 

Sure, I will let him know that I am here for him no matter what.  I will let him know that he can share anything with me, but I will also let him know that he can be himself and not have to worry about some emotional woman trying to change him to be what she wants him to be.  I refuse to do that.  I fell in love with him the way he is and that is the person I want to be with. 

I promise to go away with him with the knowledge that anything can happen and no matter what happens it will be ok. Sure, I hope that all is well and we both realize that we are head over heels in love with each other and can't live without one another, but that may not be the case. This relationship is still too new and it needs time to grow.  It cannot be rushed.  If we only spend these days together just learning about each other, then that puts us a few steps ahead of where we were.  The least we will find out is whether or not we want to take this any farther. 

Yes, as far as I feel now, I love him hoplessly.  But suddenly I have a different feeling in my heart.  It is one that says all will be alright no matter what happens in the end.  For now the pain has subsided and has been replaced by a more relaxed feeling.  The love is still as strong as ever, but it is no longer the pain that it once was. I still yearn for him, but knowing we will be together soon make the yearning much easier to handle.

I think I realized today that just because he can't call me as often as he did when his business was slower during the winter doesn't meant that he has forgotten me. I have to realize that he has other things demanding his time. He still cares and he still says that I make his day.  When I heard the excitement in his voice when we talked about our trip, I knew my fears were for nothing.  I can rest a little easier now, and get ready for what I know will be the beginning of something wonderful. 25 days to go....

When I am feeling like I am tonight, why does he have to be so far away?  Maybe this is a test to see just how I will handle the separation.  But I worry that I will lose him before I have ever had him.  Oh how I don't want to do that.  I can't sleep, I mope around, I cry.  I need him so much, it hurts.  26 days until our trip.  Will I last that long? 

On nights like this, I wish I had someone to talk to.  Someone that really cared about what I am feeling.  No one really understands how I feel.  I don't have anybody to confide in.  They think this is just some type of "fling".  They don't understand that I have never loved anyone before him, and now I have found the man that I wish I had found 20 years ago.  I feel like life has passed me by and we have waited too late to find each other.  I feel like sometimes that I have so much love bottled up inside me and I need for him to open it up and let it out. I feel as if my heart will literaly burst from the love I have for this man.  I want to pour all of this out to him.  I want to talk to him like I have never talked to anyone before.  I am however afraid that I will scare him off.  But what if I do.  If I can't talk to him and tell him everything that is on my mind, and how I really feel, if he doesn't understand how I am feeling then I guess maybe he is not the man for me after all. 

So I found love late in life.  This is the love I should have felt years ago.  If I had found him then, maybe my life would have been different.  As it is, I feel that I have lost a lifetime and I need to try and make up for lost time.  So many times I call him with the intention of telling him how deeply in love with him I have fallen.  So many times I have wanted to go to him and throw myself in his arms.  So many times I wake up at night wishing he were beside me.   I wish he knew how much love I could give him. 

The way I feel now, there could never be another man to take his place in my heart.  I have considered trying to meet someone else to get my mind off him, but when I have those thoughts I feel as if I am betraying him.  I know we have not made any commitments and I know it wouldn't be the right thing to do with us being so far apart. But I am ready to commit.  I am ready to say that he is my one and only.  And still, I don't want to make demands on him. I love him completely and unconditionally.  I want him by my side.  I want to show him more happiness than he ever thought possible.  I yearn for him in a way that I never imagined I could.  I want him.  I want him in ways that I never knew it was possible to want a man. 

Sometimes I feel as if I have lost him.  I will get these feelings that he is tired of me somehow.  Sometimes when I don't get to talk to him when I want to, I imagine the worst.  I will imagine that he has found someone else and doesn't want me at all. Then I will talk to him and everything will be ok. I know it is not fair to either one of us, should we try to have a longdistance relationship, and I don't want that. I want to be close to him, but I want him to say that he wants me there.  I am waiting for him to say "move closer to me". But he is the kind of man that wouldn't expect me to move just for him.  I know him well enough to know that he would think it would be selfish to ask me to do that.  I want to let him know that I would move closer if he wanted me to, but I don't want to sound as if I am trying to force myself on him.  He may not want me closer.  He may be happy with his life the way it is.  I have to get the courage to really have that heart to heart with him while we are together.  I can't let us part again without knowing what to expect.  I have to lay my cards on the table and hope that it is all ok.  I know that he has told me that everything is alright. And why would he have asked me to go to Hilton Head with him if he didn't have any feelings for me.  He didn't have to do that.  I guess I am getting paranoid as time gets closer.  I guess I am afraid that something will happen and we won't go.  I don't know what I am afraid of, but I know that I have to do something soon.  I have to know that I did everything in my power to make this work.  Just in case he is waiting for me to make the first move.  I love him, and I can't lose him now. If I lost him before I did all I could to make this work, I would go the rest of my life regretting not trying.  I have to try. I have to do all I can to make him mine.  If after I have done all I can and it doesn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be. But I can't believe that this wasn't meant to be.

Soon I will know.  Soon we will be on our way to our private paradise.  We will find out then if we are meant to be together once and for all.